Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) is a non-monogamy arrangement in which partners agree that outside relationships are permitted but details about them are not shared. It lets people open a relationship while maintaining a boundary of not-knowing, which some find protective and others find limiting.

What it is

Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) is a form of consensual non-monogamy where partners agree that each may have outside sexual or romantic connections, but that neither will ask about—nor volunteer details of—those experiences. The knowledge that other partners exist may or may not be acknowledged; what is deliberately withheld is the specifics: names, activities, feelings, schedules, or identities.

DADT sits under the broad umbrella of ethical non-monogamy. It is distinct from cheating because the arrangement itself is negotiated and mutually agreed upon. The 'don't tell' element is a chosen boundary, not deception. People adopt it for varied reasons: to reduce jealousy, to protect a partner's peace of mind, to keep the primary relationship as the emotional center, or to accommodate different comfort levels around information.

Common forms

DADT can be structured in different ways depending on how much—if anything—partners want to know. It is often layered onto another relationship model rather than being a standalone structure.

Full DADT: neither partner acknowledges or references outside relationships at all.
Acknowledged but detail-free: both know the other sees people, but specifics stay private.
Situational DADT: applied to certain contexts (e.g., travel, conventions) while daily life stays monogamous-feeling.
Combined with swinging or parallel polyamory, where partners rarely or never meet each other's metamours.

Consent & safety

DADT is only ethical when it is genuinely negotiated by all involved and revisited over time. A key tension is that reduced information can complicate informed sexual-health decisions, since partners cannot assess exposure they don't know about. This is why many DADT couples agree on non-negotiable safer-sex practices and regular testing as a baseline that operates regardless of secrecy about details.

Consider also the third parties: people you date deserve to know they are part of a DADT arrangement so they can consent to that dynamic too. DADT should never be a cover for dishonesty or for avoiding difficult conversations you actually need to have.

Agree on firm safer-sex and testing standards up front, since details are withheld.
Clarify what 'don't tell' covers—existence, health status, emergencies—and what it never covers.
Be transparent with outside partners that a DADT boundary exists.
Build in a way to renegotiate; comfort levels change and the agreement should be revisitable.

Exploring it responsibly

DADT works best for people who genuinely feel more secure with less information, not for those using it to suppress unresolved fears or to sidestep honesty. Before adopting it, discuss why each of you wants it and what needs it's meant to meet. Some find that after trying DADT, they actually prefer more openness (like kitchen-table polyamory); others discover the boundary genuinely protects their peace.

Watch for signs the arrangement is being used to avoid intimacy rather than to support it. Healthy DADT still requires emotional check-ins about the relationship itself, agreed health protocols, and a shared understanding that the 'don't ask' rule can be lifted by mutual consent if circumstances demand it.

Frequently asked questions

Is DADT the same as cheating?

No. Cheating breaks an agreement through deception; DADT is a mutually negotiated agreement where limited information is a chosen boundary, not a betrayal.

How do you manage sexual health under DADT?

Set firm, non-negotiable safer-sex and regular testing standards that everyone follows regardless of the secrecy around details, and treat health-relevant information as something the 'don't tell' rule does not cover.

Do outside partners need to know it's a DADT arrangement?

Yes. People you date deserve to understand the dynamic so they can consent to it; hiding it from them turns an ethical agreement into deception.

Is DADT a healthy choice?

It can be, for people who genuinely feel more secure with less information. It becomes unhealthy when used to avoid honesty, suppress unaddressed fears, or dodge necessary conversations.

Browse more of The Library.